This is an excerpt from a story I wrote. The book, My Secret: Memoirs of Love & Survival, was first written as a personal diary, and then it was reformatted for paperback publishing in the fall of this year. I wrote it as part of my own healing process, without any expectations. I had no idea that others would read it later on, and find reflection and healing for themselves. The words above were written as I reflected on the day that I stood reunited with my best friend, giving myself completely in his embrace. Life had sent us traveling down different roads for a very long time. We were high school sweethearts when we were neighbors growing up, then he and his family moved away when we were 17. We reunited for a short time when we were 21 years old, when he came home to visit me, and we had a life time of love in those few days. He and I had conceived my oldest child during our affair, and I had no way to tell him because he lived in another state and no one knew how to find him. Years went by, and my heart was filled with the love of being a mother. Eventually, I became lonely. I settled for less….marrying another man.He wasn’t the one I needed, but I had three more beautiful children with him. I wanted to be the wife he needed me to be, but that meant killing every aspect of myself, without dying. For 17 years, I died a little everyday. I mourned the loss of my self. Some people call this process “depression”. My husband convinced me that I needed psychiatric help, and at some points I was even medicated for this. The medication never lifted my spirits, it simply caused me to feel the death I imposed upon myself. No one seemed to understand that all I needed was to be myself.
Two years ago, the secret of who really was the father of my oldest child came out. It rocked the planet. The miracles that unfolded were put in black and white.
Since then, I’ve relearned how to be myself. There were many things I had to relearn as I healed. Only one person could have understood everything I needed, and that was Aaron. Still, when I look back on his return into my life, I tear up. I prayed to be able to find him, and then at just the right moment, he found me. You can bet that as life unfolds, I will be writing part two of the book. The miracle isn’t “finished” yet. It’s progressing in God’s good timing. My job right now is to learn patience.
So many times in the past two years I have witnessed God, in ways I never expected to see God. Rediscovering myself has given me the ability to love myself, love others, and it has strengthened my faith. The real me loves being alive, and experiences a revival everyday. And I thank God for every tomorrow, because I get to wake up next to my best friend.